General Dance Discussion > Ladies: What do you think of guys who start dancing for better dating prospects?

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by VronskyWasSoVain, Oct 15, 2017.

  1. Do you see it as desperate and inauthentic?

    I've never been the type of guy who did well at bars to meet women. I'm not tall or handsome and although I'm a good conversationalist, I'm not able to make girls I've just met laugh. Online dating doesn't work either because I am short and a lot of women screen me out before getting to know me.

    I admit that my initial motivation to make the leap and learn to dance was so that I could gain confidence and be more attractive to women. I once went to a free salsa dancing event. I noticed the guys who could dance looked far more confident and poised than the desperate guys who scoured the place trying to talk to every attractive girl (and mostly failing). The guys who could dance were cool and chill and just exuded this quiet confidence that even me as a straight guy I found to be very attractive. I think women find that much more appealing than the guy who is trying too hard.

    As I started dancing though, I fell in love with dance itself. Just the little nuances and the elegance and the discipline. It shouldn't come as a surprise I guess since I also play music and I'm interested in the arts in general.

    It's also an easier way to interact with women. I don't mean sexually. I mean, just being able to talk and interact with them. At a bar or club, the women are defensive and in some cases, even rude and you'd have to spend a lot of money buying girls drinks just to be able to even have a conversation with one.

    For shy, inexperienced guys like myself, the interaction with women greatly enhances one's intuition when it comes to how women are feeling and how to gauge their emotional state of mind.

    The few guys I know who also dance also admitted that their initial motivation was to improve their prospects at meeting the ladies. But now they're all hooked and into it because they just love to dance.

    Ladies, what do you think of guys like myself? Am I a loser for trying to become more attractive? Is it even a worthwhile endeavor or should unattractive guys just throw in the towel and leave all the girls for the naturally good looking guys?
  2. Mr 4 styles

    Mr 4 styles Well-Known Member

    Get a medical degree ..... and learn to dance. The rest takes care of itself

    I’m kidding of course
  3. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    I don't care at all what motivates someone to start. I do think negatively of someone who's there to try to pick up women *as opposed to* learning to dance; those people won't last long and will be irritating while they're there. But as long as someone is genuinely trying to learn to dance, there's nothing wrong with them also being aware that it's something that women might like, and that it's a place that there are women, and that it's a structured way to get practice interacting with women. In fact, it's smart. And I'd certainly enjoy spending time with that person much more than with someone all grumpy and defeatist that the good-looking guys get all the girls. Also much more than with those "naturally good looking guys" who think they're God's gift to women. Yours is a common and happy story, whether or not you ultimately end up dating someone you meet dancing.
  4. Well a lot of women claim they're not into those "naturally good looking guys" but they are. I've seen it and witnessed it.

    Back in my 20s when I used to frequent the bar scene with my friends, I found that the shorter, average looking guys would talk to every girl they find attractive and almost get shot down 99% of the time. The taller, good looking guys just calmly sipped their drinks and they'd leave with a woman or multiple women at the end of the night.

    The only time I saw average looking guys be popular with women were the ones who could dance. They had the same confidence as those taller, good looking guys despite not being tall and good looking. This was my "epiphany" so to speak and so I decided I wanted to become one of these guys. Not so I just be confident with women but have confidence in general.
  5. cornutt

    cornutt Well-Known Member

    There are people, men and women, who show up at the studio pretty much for the purpose of finding a mate. Some of them do become pretty good dancers. But we know who they are because as soon as they find someone, they quit dancing. Whaddya gonna do.
    IndyLady, RiseNFall and bia like this.
  6. bia

    bia Well-Known Member

    You've seen and witnessed it among women who frequent the bar scene, are potentially open to being picked up there, and are themselves physically attractive enough that men who know nothing else about them choose to approach them in bars. That's very far from a complete sample of women.

    But in any case, building your confidence is a good goal, and dancing is a good route there.
    Last edited: Oct 15, 2017
  7. FancyFeet

    FancyFeet Well-Known Member

    Women get smarter as they get older. I'm generalizing, but by the time they are entering their thirties, they're looking for the nice guys who are able to hold a conversation and have actual interests... and they're not looking for them in bars. It gets better :)

    To the original question - no issue with a guy who started dancing as a way to meet more women. It is a female-dominant activity, so it's smart to go where they are.

    What I do have an issue with: a guy who is there only to meet women, and hits on everyone that he considers attractive. That makes my fun hobby an uncomfortable place for me, because I can't just relax and have fun... I need to be cautious and always on the lookout. And if I wanted that, I'd just go to the club for a lot less money. Don't be that guy.
    RiseNFall, IndyLady and bia like this.
  8. IndyLady

    IndyLady Well-Known Member

    OP, I'm less enthusiastic about it as a motivator (bia and cornutt and FF are very evenhanded and understanding). If you're fixated on going after women, you're not focusing on the actual dancing. Also, I have the opposite "problem" as FF - I don't tend to get hit on as I am, uh, not 20 or 30, do not resemble a runway model, wearing a wedding ring, and have chronic RBF. So if the guy does dance when I ask, he's looking around for other people, and then later I find myself listening to other women complaining about him being on the prowl.

    Try treating women like human beings, instead of regarding us as some sort of alien creature needing special handling that you're trying to get something from. The rest takes care of itself, as mr4s noted.
    dbk, Requiem and bia like this.
  9. flying_backwards

    flying_backwards Active Member

    @SmoothAsian it seems like you are on the right path, learning dance to become comfortable interacting with women and gain confidence in yourself. You do not sound like the obnoxious type that hits on ladies. (Something I no longer have to deal with, being older & married but my friends do.) You seem respectful, with good intentions. And now you love dance so you're here to stay. Yeah! The right lady will find you and appreciate you.
  10. j_alexandra

    j_alexandra Well-Known Member

  11. j_alexandra

    j_alexandra Well-Known Member

    OP, the best social dance leader I ever encountered was a short Asian man who originally started dancing to meet women, fell in love with dancing, stopped looking for women and started looking for dance partners. He was an absolute delight to dance with.
    Loki and flying_backwards like this.
  12. DL

    DL Well-Known Member

    In this and some of your other comments, it seems to me that you haven't thought things through all the way, and seem to think of all women as (if I may be forgiven for the use of this term in this context) fungible. Women (like men) are all unique individuals; they are not all the same and they are not all equally suitable matches for you specifically. Perhaps in fact you are just as well off that the women you mention here left with the guys they left with, instead of you.

    Perhaps there's a particular woman out there who's a very good match for you indeed, and you haven't figured out how to find her and attract her attention yet. If you think about what this woman is like, with specific personality traits and beliefs and likes/dislikes and preferences/tolerances/intolerances for activities and ideas and opinions and your own character quirks, how does it all add up?

    From your original post, it sounds like you've figured out that you're not likely to meet her in a bar; and conversely the women you meet in a bar do not usually include a woman who is right for you. Just call that 'progress'. Do the personal qualities of a good match for you all mesh together with dancing? Will a woman with those qualities ever be found on a dance floor? Will it matter to her at all whether you can dance?

    Only you can say, but I submit that this is a more useful way of thinking about the issues you raise on DF, than enlisting us to validate some vague, generalization-based connection between "dancing" and "getting a girlfriend".

    All that being said, I do think that the social interactions associated with learning to dance are great practice for... socially interacting, including with women. In that sense, engagement with dancing is a way of strengthening social skills on many levels, and can be regarded as an exercise in personal growth. If you look at things that way, it seems unarguably healthy and unobjectionable.
    dbk, Requiem, bia and 1 other person like this.
  13. Joe

    Joe Well-Known Member

    But in a way, until a man has met an individual woman, all women are the same to him.
  14. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    my favorite word
    j_alexandra and RiseNFall like this.
  15. snapdancer

    snapdancer Well-Known Member

    Even though I'm unattached and undomesticated, I can say that I don't find all women to be the same. Either on the dance floor or off.

    In what way (see your quote) do you mean?
  16. Loki

    Loki Well-Known Member

    <rant on>

    When will people learn?

    Be yourself and go do the things you like to do with NO expectations of meeting / mating / whatever.

    IF you meet somebody, it will be based on common interests and compatible personalities, which will go a fungible lot farther than begging like a puppy or playing a role so the pretty or rich or socialites notice you. A** clowns get no respect.

    If you crap out, at least you've spent time and money on something enjoyable and hopefully enriching to you.

    <rant off>
    QuickQuickSlow and IndyLady like this.
  17. IndyLady

    IndyLady Well-Known Member

    I wish I could like this post a million times. Thank you.
  18. JudeMorrigan

    JudeMorrigan Well-Known Member

    Eh, I agree to an extent, but it still makes sense to make a point of finding at least some activities that involve other people. Before I found dance, it was far too common for me to stare at a computer at work, stare at a computer at home (or sometimes curl up with a book), sleep, repeat. It doesn't matter how much I might have enjoyed my home time or how enriching I found it, I was never going to meet someone on that path. Please don't misunderstand me - I'm certainly not suggesting one should spend one's time in leisure activities one has no interest in. But putting oneself in a situation where one *can* succeed on one's goals, whatever they might be, is still important. In this case, it's probably healthier anyways. Even severely introverted people like me are still monkey people who benefit from spending time with other people.

    Of course, this may be so glaringly obvious to everyone else that it didn't bear saying. I just know it's far too easy for me to lapse into full hermit mode.
  19. Xelebes

    Xelebes Member

    I did start going to swing dancing because I wanted to meet women. And. . . I did. In a strict sense. Actually I ended up sticking with it because I certainly found it less lonely of a place than trying to go to a rave or club where I might dance similarly (exertion-wise) but I would end up feeling rather lonely because the question of having friends there was never guaranteed. As someone who is autistic, making friends is difficult and in raves and such very difficult. And as for meeting women for romantic purposes, I've given up. I admit it, I'm a horse. So. . . uh, let's dance.
  20. Loki

    Loki Well-Known Member

    Clarification: there's nothing wrong with finding an activity that has a social component, even socializing with the opposite sex. But I think you're setting yourself up for failure if you go in with the expectation that dancing will make you Joe Stud and / or you'll meet the perfect person. Be yourself, enjoy the activity and let happen whatever happens.

    But that horse has been beaten numerous times here.

    IndyLady likes this.

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