Crush on Instructor...

Discussion in 'General Dance Discussion' started by summer280, Oct 1, 2006.

  1. summer280

    summer280 New Member

    Anyone ever fall for their dance teacher?

    I've had strong feelings for my dance instructor for a very long time. Almost from when I first met him...
    We are the same age, we click really well, and because he's so nice, I'm in love. I wish I can stop my feelings for him, but it's so hard, I can't.

    It's against the rules to date or meet any of the instructors outside of the studio. I feel like he may like me, but I get confused. Sometimes he seems interested, but then he gets distant.

    Maybe I am imaging that he may like me b/c instructors are usually so nice and treat their students the best? But I know for sure that we are more than just student teacher, we had developed a friendship and like to talk about things other than dance.

    Anyone ever encounter the same thing? What should I do? I like him so much, but it hurts me b/c I don't know if anything can ever happen between us.
    East Coast Bluesboy likes this.
  2. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    welcome to DF...yes, this is a very common exeperience...if you do a search of cruches or falling for teachers, you can read for pages...none of that will really help your personal situation...which will only unfold in time in a way unique to your own situation...You have my empathy and best wishes
  3. PasoDancer

    PasoDancer New Member

    Yep, every three minutes. *sigh*, good times.

    When in doubt, vent your sexual frustration writing trashy dance fiction in interactive rpgs.

    (I'm up too early to think logically- pay no attention to the dance-hangover behind the pair of shoes)
  4. summer280

    summer280 New Member

    lol thanks
  5. Throwaway Overshare

    Throwaway Overshare New Member

    Another reason to dance am/am instead of pro/am...
  6. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Ams never get their wires crossed, romance-wise? :eyebrow:

    Yeah, summer. It happens to a lot of people. You probably won't get a whole lot of folks 'fessing up, just because ... it's so personal. But it does happen a lot. You're not alone. As has been said, there are quite a few older threads on the subject. Not that it helps you, now, sad to say.

    But really, when you get two people alone in an intimate situation ... I'm surprised it doesn't happen more often. The hard truth, from the student's perspective, though, is that teachers have to be ... your teacher. They have to get the information across. And they have to get paid in order to pay their bills, most of them. So they may be kind and cordial and funny. They may even like you, as a person. But that doesn't necessarily mean they feel anything romantic for you. It can be hard, sometimes. Bummer.

    I feel for you. :?
  7. Throwaway Overshare

    Throwaway Overshare New Member

    Course they do, but there's no rules standing in their way.

    Just a million other things.
  8. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    :) Sad but true. :?
  9. chocolatchica

    chocolatchica New Member

    Yeah happened to me once at a franchise studio so they are really strict about not letting teacher have relationships with their students. I thought that he liked me and found out I was right later. We kept it on the downlow for a longtime but then people started getting suspicious because whenever I would step out he would too and vice versa. It ended pretty bad because he got in big trouble with the studio owner and he started getting upset with me dancing with the other students and it just turned into a big mess. If it is one of those picky studios I would be very very careful because the instructor could get fired. But I would like to hear how things go. Hopefully everything works out better for you than it did for me! Good luck!
  10. Larinda McRaven

    Larinda McRaven Site Moderator Staff Member

    This is one of the problems... he get jealous over you dancing with other teacher/students... you get jealous over him dancing with students/teachers/partner... other students get jealous and accuse him of giving preferential treatment, or you assuming you are special.

    Maintaing the teacher/student and the boyfrieng/girfriend thing at the same time is very very difficult. The student/teacher relationship is inherently lopsided, one person in intended to be in the power position. Yet in a personal relationship the balance of power should be equal. The desire or expectation for all of the relationships to equalize is very strong, and so creates an immense amount of tension when they don't.
  11. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    that inequality can go either way depending upon the financial picture as well...

    I guess this is what I think it comes down to....can you let it go and just dance...or are you too miserable? ...if you can't keep it to yourself you need to appreciate that the response you get might not be the one you are looking for...but at least then you will be living in the real world..IME, these things are best out on the table so that all parties can make decisions based upon knowlege of what is going on instead of a bunch of unstable underlying currents....fantasy is not always so fun...but lots of folks would prefer it to having to give it up....

    I have seen this go lots of ways...I know of an instructor who married one of his students and they lived happily ever after and the studio was just peachy with it...I have seen pros who have dated their students and the ripple effects of those women still being around and still being a bit territorial with the tension overflowing onto everyone else...and I have seen folks just fess up and get over it...(eventually)...

    it pretty much bites unless you get the happily ever after scenario
  12. Twilight_Elena

    Twilight_Elena Well-Known Member

    Do we have hundreds of threads on this subject or what? We should have had a teacher/student sticky. Oh well.
    Summing it up? There's a chance it's all because of the dancing and not because of the person. Think about it. A guy and girl, doing dips and turns, moving their hips around, doing incredibly sexy gestures... Not to mention the fact that your teacher usually has to get pretty intimate with your body. From a point on, it can come almost naturally. Which is why you have to be 100% sure you really, REALLY aren't confused by the dancing before letting yourself fall for a teacher. I've had my share of confusions. It ain't easy to tell.
    Now, let us assume that you are indeed having feelings that are unrelated to the dancing part or the teaching part. I've heard of stories where a teacher/student relationship ended up well. Marriage. Pro partnerships. I've also heard of stories when it has gone BAD. Real bad. From getting fired to getting a horrible rep to who knows what else.
    So be careful. Very, very careful. Odds are he's being distant because there are rules against dating. Or maybe he doesn't like you. Who knows? Are you willing to risk your lessons, your reputation, maybe even his job on a "maybe"?
    Think about it. Good luck, and welcome to DF. :D

    T_E
  13. chocolatchica

    chocolatchica New Member

    Well said:)
  14. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Beautifully said, Larinda. :notworth: Mixing a de facto unequal relationship doesn't bode well, IMO, with developing a romantic relationship, which, in my mind, should be based on equality.

    Finding a balance between the two? Yikes.

    And yes, happily ever afters do happen. But, having read through all the DF threads (probably not hundreds, but a lot :lol: ) and been around a few years, I've come to believe that happily-ever-afters are the exceptions that prove the rule.

    IMHO, developing a teacher/student romantic relationship is a super risky move, no matter whose shoes you're in -- teacher or student -- and regardless of whether there are studio rules or not. As far as I know, it's mostly franchise studios that are the "picky" ones you referred to, chocolatachica -- the ones with documented, "enforceable" rules against teacher/student fraternization. But independents stand to lose just as much and be hurt just as badly, IMO -- in lost revenue, damaged reputation, etc.

    Really tricky, IMO.
  15. summer280

    summer280 New Member

    I appreciate everyone's kind and supportive responses...

    I'm miserable b/c I like him so much. We get along so well, we are the same age and it makes it even harder because we have very much the same interests.

    I was reading some of the older threads, and I'm understanding that there can are so many different problems that can arise. It seems like it would be a bad idea to try to pursue something with my teacher. I wouldn't want to create any drama, and it wouldn't be fair to him.

    I may be building things in my head. I just don't know how to get over him. It's hard b/c we click so well.

    What should I do? Should I just try hard to let it go??
  16. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member

    Zoinks! Not sure what to say.

    Common wisdom would probably be to just try and let it go.

    Truth be told, that's probably the best way to handle things. I never have, though. (In my real life, not my dance life, mind you ... :lol: ) If I have feelings for someone, I at least try to tell them. So I'm out there on a limb, risking emotional obliteration. lol. Hey. In my twisted mind, that's better than wishing, later, that I'd had the ... wherewithal ... to go for it.

    But that's me.

    I guess the question is, "Who are you?" Would you rather love this guy from afar without risk? Or would you rather risk losing everything on the slim chance you'll win everything?

    Or, looking at it another way, would you rather not "rock the boat" by finding out the truth, or would you rather find out where he stands, so you can get on with your life, if things don't go your way?

    It's really up to you to decide. Happy ever afters DO happen ... not very often. And, once you know who/where he is, however heart-breaking, you're free to move on.


    Two different perspectives on the same question, IMO.

    It's up to you. :?

    Good luck with deciding. :friend:
  17. mamboqueen

    mamboqueen Well-Known Member

    Is it distracting to you when you're dancing with him?

    I'd be inclined to go with the people who say this type of thing usually doesn't end up well. If you really are serious about dancing and are happy with him as a teacher, what happens if things don't pan out personally? You're out a really good teacher (I'm making an assumption here). I just don't think it's worth the risk. On the other hand, if it becomes clear to you somehow that he is interested in you romantically, it may be a good idea to get another teacher.
  18. SPratt74

    SPratt74 New Member

    I completely agree with you. I like to read old threads for the information, because it gives you stuff to think about. So, even if I don't reply to them, I still read them just for that reason alone.

    Is there a way where you could take a break from this guy maybe and just attend group lessons for a while? Or you could even switch instructors. But if you want to stay with him as an instructor, try just concentrating on the lesson and don't chat with him too much about things etc. That might help. Or if you do like to chat with him, stick with dancing as a topic, and that might help a little bit to get things back on track. Or maybe someone knows better than I. ;)
  19. pygmalion

    pygmalion Well-Known Member


    Yeah, MQ. I think that's the piece that's sometimes missed (but chocolata articulated it very well.)

    It's not always about students' feelings for teachers. Sometimes it's about teachers' feelings for students, as much as we might like to pretend that's not in the equation. :?

    My take? It's just like any other relationship, dance or no dance. If you're standing on the threshold of a new relationship (as an experienced adult,) you have to ask yourself whether the relationship is likely to harm more than it helps.

    Really. I know, because I've been there before (not in the dance world, but in my other life) thinking about whether my potential interest was really a good thing for me or him or all the other people involved. As much as I'd've liked to say "to heck with the consequences," I was finally honest with myself and decided that it/he wasn't worth it.

    Sad but true. Adult relationships aren't always about instant gratification. Sometimes they're about delayed gratification. Sometimes they're about denied gratification.

    I wish it weren't. But that's life. :?
  20. fascination

    fascination Site Moderator Staff Member

    I don't think enough emphasis can be put on letting it see the light of day or on getting away from it entirely...but again, that is just my limited yet hard earned experience...what I mean is this...when one is struggling with an emotion that is a secret, it has a way of being toxic to everyone, if the person doesn't have near to super human powers...there is alot to be said for saying' "hey buddy, I'm not proud of this and I know it's complicated but I am struggling with feelings for you and I don't know how to process them b/c I don't know where you stand...I don't want this to ruin our dance relationship b/c that is my top priority, but this is really in the way right now and it would help me to know what you think"...anyhow, it just seems like then you can lay all that emotional anguish aside and move in whatever direction is neccessary...again, as others have said...that is just how it worked for me...and very well I might add...but only you kow how it needs to work for you

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